What is the definition of ‘attractive’? – fresh from being called ‘unattractive’ this surely represents the dark side of whatever attractive is. This has sparked my brain to try and understand what our definition of ‘attractiveness’ is. Why was my initial reaction to hearing these words a feeling of hurt by this accusation of being called ‘unattractive’ to one person.

Oxford Dictionary states: (of a person) pleasant to look at, especially in a sexual way.
– an attractive woman
– I like John but I don’t find him attractive physically.

In my specific example, this word came at the end of a month-long experience with one guy. We had been on six dates. At the end of the sixth date, he pulled me aside and ended things saying to my face that it wasn’t working. Wounded by this sudden blow that was out of my control I asked him: why? This question was a reaction, mainly used to fill the silence and to re-engage the brain after the shock had landed. The overthinking brain was truly on overdrive. He then said:

‘I don’t find you attractive’

After a bit of a silence he then followed up by saying:
‘I can send you a message with more reasons if it is helpful?’

How did we get to six dates without ‘attractiveness’ being a discussion point? We started dating after seeing each other on screens, on Hinge. Although this online app could be classed as a slightly more sophisticated dating app, it is still very much centred around photographs, judgements and actions. Those six profile photos displayed for the other person to gauge ‘attractiveness’ before any move is made. I liked him first, then he liked me back. When processing his use of photographs on his profile he wasn’t conventional in his curation of pictures. One of them was of him squirming away from a lizard on his chest, this picture was unique and a virtual display of true character rather than the phwoar affect (‘attractive in a sexual way’).

I didn’t follow up with a message after he left as his red flags about me would be very unique to him. I am sure he wouldn’t want my list of things I overlooked about him, because no one is perfect, right? I quickly came to terms with the acceptance that not everything works out. It wouldn’t be fair to retaliate and make it more dramatic than it needs to be. Goodbye and good luck, but the word ‘attractiveness’ is the thing that stuck.

Fortunately, I like to think of myself as a resilient person and I bounced back with the need to move forward and not dwell on one persons opinions, whether in an ‘attractive’ way or not. I put myself out there on the apps that I had been hiding from whilst seeing this person and I was lifted by kind comments and even lustful suggestions based on my images on these apps. I then looked through some of my followers on Instagram, thinking that ‘attractiveness’ is more than the picture they put up, but also the confidence and the presence that they have on the app, standing out from the crowd is not just about the way one looks, despite what the Oxford Dictionary is teaching us.

A minimal level of physical attractiveness is, of course, needed for the first move. As we swipe left and right through these dating apps this can sum up a direct decision on this very point (‘attractive’ v ‘unattractive’). Have we become trapped in a world of ideology and perfectionism? If so what place does ‘attractive’ or ‘unattractive’ have in society? Should we all be inspired to look like Love Island contestants with a quick visit to Turkey to perfect our imperfections? Looks can be classed as superficial but it is what we all seek initially, however, this is very much initially as looks fade. The gay dating scene (specifically between two men) proactively endorses hook-ups and short-term, Grindr being a perfect example of this world of quick wins based on looks and the odd private album content.

There is no judgement for those who dip in and out of the hook-up world. I am someone who has been dormant for 22 years coming back into a world of dating. But, it puts extra pressure on the other side of the coin of trying to find meaningful connections and navigating through the initial superficial stage. Never have there been so many options about relationship status’ and what one is looking for to display on profiles. With so many options, is it a counterproductive motive of establishing values around ‘attractiveness’.

I think the main takeaway from this is that, to me ‘attractiveness’ is a very personal account of someone else, deeper rooted than what a person looks like at face value. We are all humans with individual needs and emotions, and perfectionism isn’t real. There is a need to step away from ideology into the world of reality.